Bringing Up The Rear


Barnum's Bad Girl of the Big Top, aka Antoinette Cristiani, star of the Russ Meyer cult classic "Mud Honey" and lead singer of the rock band of "the same name" brings new meaning to the concept of "Ass"ymetric Warfare".   A legend in her own time, the infamous blonde sheep of the worlds most famous bareback riding troupe is apparently using her's ("arse" that is) to bring attention to the plight of race horses. En route to Churchill Downs, she and fellow equine activists take it all off in a no holds barred attempt in exposing animal cruelty by the race horse industry.  ---  In the second biggest upset in the 131 year history of "The Run For The Roses", Giacomo wins!  But thousands of other race horses loose when almost 90% of them wind up in slaughter houses across the nation.  A death sentence imposed on them for their inability to "win", "place", or "show".  This after leading an un-natural life of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse along with their underweight, overstressed, anorexic jockeys - both pushed to the brink by the obsession for speed imposed on them by the powerbrokers whose egos demand a "win" and the compulsive gamblers whose addiction demands a fix.  According to the controversial "Bareback Riding Activists", what is know as "The Sport of Kings" is in fact "The Sport of Creeps".  For every Giacomo, Seabiscuit, Seattle Slew, or Phar Lap, there are thousands of Horse Holocaust Victims and "also rans" who lead lives of quiet desperation - held hostage to unethical, immoral, and inhumane tradition.  Their fortunes, like that of Black Beauty, eventually spiral down to its ultimate track side destination.  As the main ingredient in a can of dog food or the dining delicacy of some ghoulish French gourmet.  Like Black Beauty, a fortunate few get a second chance - if they are able to adapt to an alternate equine activity.  But only 10% of born and bred race horses ever realize their inalienable right to live out a natural life span.  The rest are deemed expendable - "Sent To The Killers" as they say on the track.  And this doesn't even account for the oft repeated tragedy of trapped and terrified horses burned up by the barnfull for their value as insurance claims.  Once these money making machines deteriorate along with their tendons - there are some greedy bastards who will always hold that out as an option. "As the most watched sporting event in the world, the Kentucky Derby wins hands down as the most obscene exhibition of moral schizophrenia and unsportsman-like conduct on the planet."  Or so says "The Bad Girl of Stage, Screen, Band, and Big Top".  For more of the "Bad Girl's" opinions on anything from soup to nuts continue to log on to "The Political Three Ring Cyber Circus" known as CitizenScrewed.Com.

(Post Cards From The Edge Of The Not Ok Corral)
In The Promised Land
Beginning Again
Citizen Screwed
A protest novel of True Lies written as a Dime Novel Series which encompasses The Off The Wall Spaghetti Western Adventures of an extraordinary family of Equestrian Entertainers, Bad Assed Outlaws and Bigger Than Life Characters whose gene pool includes The Quintessential Legend of The West. Buffalo Bill Cody – America’s First Media Star.
This sometimes hilarious, sometimes tragic saga of an unusual anti-establishment culture of freedom loving renegades is written from the perspective of its most dysfunctional member.
In her desperate bid to salvage her identity and survive future shock in a world of “Stupid White Men” in which she can find no corner of The Market Place, her story chronicles the absurd hard knock events which inevitably lead to her complete radicalization and the creation of the Citizen Screwed One Woman Revolution.
This Website and The Story within was inspired by actual events and real people who deserves a voice and recognition for their contribution to The American Story and The Story of The West.
It is dedicated to all Citizens Screwed every where “leading lives of quiet desperation” who ever got burnt by America’s Melting Pot –denied their identity, their potential and their American Dream due to stereotypes, lack of opportunity or outright blatant injustice by a society dedicated to greed and conspicuous consumption that determines the value of a human being based on the level of his or her marketability.
It is further dedicated to the animals and the environment that our Modern American culture of alienation has rendered as dispensable as many of it’s citizens.
The Author Ghost Rider A.C.B. is the pen name of a woman also called “Toni” or “Tony” and the following letter was written by the man who discovered her story.
Ms Luise Cristiani:
I wanted you to know how much my friendship for more than 60 years with members of your family had meant to me.
After 60 years as a press agent, at the age of 82, looking back over my life, if asked what the most valuable property I had discovered I would say, the autobiographical writing of your daughter Toni.
She hooked me with the first page she sent me, which I had Published in a New York newspaper. My greatest enthusiasm over my life has been biographies.
Toni has not only had a life which made a great subject, but the need to tell the whole truth, and the rare skill to capture on paper a most exciting life.
There are many goldmines that are never exploited so that the fact that Toni’s work hasn't been published is no criterion of its value. Knowing Toni you understand best of all the result of her not having complete control during the times people I brought to her asked to take it over.
The years that have gone bye, have made it more, rather than less valuable, With luck I hope to live long enough to see my faith justified in its success not only as a book but as the basis of what I believe to be a great, motion picture.
Tony hasn’t wasted all these years getting it down on paper, What makes her such an exciting human being also gives her such a problem in entrusting her hundreds of thousands of words to anybody else.
Eddie Jaffe

An Open Letter to Marlon Brando


Barnum’s Bad Girl Of The Big Top

After all these years during which you have secretly lusted after the mysterious runaway Circus Queen who somehow managed to escape the clutches of a horny Movie Star, I have decided at long last to reveal the intimate details of our long term star crossed romance.  
Despite all rumors to the contrary, at the precise moment of this true confession, it’s Elvis that’s dead and buried. Not You!!!
However, given your present age and weight, just exactly how long you are destined to remain a resident of the Planet Earth before moving on to further Stellar Impregnations is a guestimate not even my psychic Gypsy Grandmother could have reliably predicted.
In whatever time is left to the Poo Bah of Tetiaroa, never let it be said that I failed to explore the possibilities of thoroughly exploiting The Great American Icon who once cheated me in arm wrestling and then had the nerve to tell me I was too Fat to be a Circus Performer!!!  
Well, who’s Fat now Buddy Lard Ass?    
I have therefore decided that since all is fair in love and war, and publishing too, that my “One Woman Revolution” wouldn’t be nearly as effective without a full and complete disclosure of why in your entire misspent rolodex sex life, you could hardly ever bring yourself to spend more than 2 minutes with any of the hundreds of woman you slept with.   
After all, they weren’t me now were they Marlon?
In a forthcoming chapter dedicated to our mutually destructive soul mate psychosis entitled “ The Bridges of Mulholland Drive” I am hopeful that the 60 or more million Senior Citizens out there still able to masturbate daily to your celluloid image, will find something in my story to relate to, even if they don’t give a damn about Revolutions, Rejects, or The Politics of the 3 Ring Circus.  
Beyond that, I am still open to accepting any artistic and financial subsidy preferred by any big shot or well-heeled individual suffering residual guilt for unjust enrichment, regardless of his or her or it’s political or sexual persuasion. Hell, I’ll even take candy from a baby if it will help to feed the 100 or more circus animals that look to me for care and sustenance.
Like a lot of other out of work and disgruntled Americans, they don’t give two hoots whether The Lying Republicruds or The Lying Democraps win the next election. All they want to do is what Brando does…Stuff Themselves!!!!   (A factor The Animal Rights movement failed to take into consideration in their efforts to raise funds by demonizing Circus People.)   
Things are getting so hairy in The Wonderful World of Animals, that a misfit “ Off The Wall’ Circus Gals gotta start a genuine, bonafide Revolution, just to get things turned around. So if you “Have A Heart”, and an “Extra Buck or Two”, PLEASE send it my way. The Animals will appreciate.
           Although the transition from “Queen of The Circus” to “Internet Pan Handler” was certainly not the kind of life style makeover I ever anticipated, I suppose one does have to make certain allowances for progress and enlightenment.
Better yet, in terms of “Cyber Begging”, if you’ve got an extra 20 Grand lying around doing nothing, it will go a long way towards keeping me “OUT OF JAIL” where outlaws like me belong.                                                                       
I can’t keep staging these daring daylight hold-ups in order to feed herds of assorted animals and still expect to stay out of jail without sufficient funds to bribe the appropriately receptive and corrupt judiciary apparatus.
I’ve learned the hard way, that’s the way things are done in a democracy these days.
As both Martha Stewart and I discovered recently, American Justice doesn’t come cheap.                           
If she thinks she’s the victim of a political conspiracy that’s out to get “ Women Of Power and Influence”…. what do you think the government is going to do to me once they find out the main focus of my “Revolutionary Agenda” is to…..
                                                                                 Sincerely Her Own,  
                                    Barnum’s Bad Girl of the Big Top
Just because I may have a May/December relationship with a fossilized old fart some people refer to, as “The Greatest Actor of Our Generation” don’t get the idea we’re even in the same league age wise and weight wise. Circus people stay in shape even after they become “Social Outlaws”. How the hell else can you make a fast getaway!!!!

Ghost Rider A.C.B.
My sincerest apologies to you Mr. Brando for the content and character of the foregoing letter.
When I initially agreed to act as the biographer of a revolutionary, who has a bone to pick with almost everybody, even one so auguste and inaccessible as yourself, I was unaware of the extent to which this confused and self absorbed individual would go to achieve her aims. She certainly never forewarned me of her intentions to take pot shots at a highly esteemed American Icon such as you.
Obviously this woman will stop at nothing in order to be the center of attention, including casting crude and unkind aspersions at obese and legendary method actors whom all others quite justly worship and revere.
Her confirmed belief that you are madly in love with her and will  tolerate her need to abuse you obviously arises out of some biologically induced transference disorder.
I understand her Mother was prone to psychological imbalance as well. It is well documented that this famous aerialist performed high above the center ring well into the ninth month of her pregnancy. Obviously a trick that had dire consequences for that fat little fetus desperately struggling to survive. Having thus managed to survive so traumatic an introduction to life in the best of all possible worlds, it’s no wonder her head persists in remaining in the clouds.
I can only hope for your sake and hers Mr. Brando, that this inordinately stressed and put upon individual who conceives herself to be a “Citizen Screwed”, is not inspired to forward you any other inexcusably rude and unkind communications.
Unfortunately, I wouldn’t count on it. Like the infamous Bonnie Lee Blakely, she is caught in the grips of some inexplicable “Star Fixation” and driven by an overwhelming desire to unconscionably exploit the object of her fixation.
Alas, ultimately we may never have any true linear comprehension of what all this has to do with Politics and George Dubya!
That however does not explain why, after years of expensive and extensive psychoanalysis and hundreds of woman you were never able to spend more than two minutes with…. You are still unable to rid yourself of an ongoing sick and unhealthy obsession with her!!!
Sincerely Concerned,
Ghost Rider A.C.B.

No comments:

Post a Comment

We want to hear from you! Whadda ya think?

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.